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I’m not talking about sex or anything like that. I’m talking about sitting at dinner with seven people who are successful now or who will be in the future. What was I supposed to add the conversation? ‘Hi, I’m Tiffany. My family took a company that had $300 million in assets eight years ago and ran it into the ground.’ Maybe I should have led with this: ‘Perhaps you’ve heard of my family. You haven’t? Well, you will by next week because every single fucking one of them is going to be indicted for fraud and embezzlement!’”“It’s not that bad,” Phil said.“It must be easy for the guy with the best fucking family in the world to make that assessment,” Tiffany shot back. “It’s plenty fucking bad from where I’m sitting. And to top it all I get to watch Mr. and Mrs. Perfect say all the right things to all the right people – and I get it in fucking stereo! I’ve got your Mom and Dad on one side and you and Hailey on the other. I resent the fact that my family is nothing but a bunch of fuckups.. The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, "What's your hurry?"She replied, "I'm late for work." Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" I'm a Rectum Stretcher," she responded.The cop stammered, "A what?" A Rectum Stretcher!" And just what does a rectum stretcher do?".
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