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Mike’s here. It’s OK.”He nodded and left the room again. Things were decidedly NOT OK. But I didn’t know what to do.“Jos, you know I love you. You know I’ll commit to you right here, right now, and never look at another woman. If you tell me to get up and walk out and never come back, I’ll do that, too. It’ll kill me, but I’ll do it. That’s how much I love you.”“I know,” she said softly. “I love you, too. But not like that. Not yet.”That was a punch in the gut which told me everything I needed to know. Jos and I were done, at least in the short term. Certainly as lovers. Maybe even as friends. Maybe forever. Going without seeing her for over two months would be the most painful thing I’d ever done. Even more than talking to Liz’s doctor or Doctor Hart. And it would change our relationship in ways nobody could predict, if not completely destroy it. I felt as if I was in a runaway stagecoach heading for a gorge.“I should go,” I said in a calm voice that belied my increasingly foul. I cannot see her when I open my eyes, but I know she is there. Standing behind me, and looking at my reflection in the mirror. He is not with me now. He held me only once, and although he should not have held me, I did not stop him. I can still feel his hands wrapped around me, as he pulled me close against him, standing with me, his face resting on my shoulder, his breathing against my neck. It is like it is happening all over again, but it is only a memory. I am alone. The rest of the household is asleep, and I am alone, sitting in my chair. My comfort. Looking out the window at the dark night. Nobody to see. I am alone. I have been exchanging messages with him, and I tell him of my fantasies, and he is patient, and he listens, and he encourages me to have my fantasy. He writes to me and tries to titillate me. I think of a tall, as yet unseen stranger, but I cannot imagine his touch. It is still just fantasy. So I imagine what I do know, and I remember "his" touch. The unstopped.
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