My Fuck Maid
‘Bossy bitch, too.’ ‘Tossers,’ Dad agreed, and lit another cigarette. It wasn’t much of a critique. Dad sneered at anyone who had more money than we did. Unless they played for Sheffield United - for only those who graced the hallowed turf of Bramall Lane could do no wrong. Brian Deane - I’d let him fuck my wife! Might as well, Dad - everyone else has. My parent’s disdain for the Parslow’s wasn’t enough to parlay my interest - so the following Saturday I cycled across the village, mountaineered over their towering back wall, and ensconced myself behind the abundance of flora and fauna that nestled on the periphery of their football pitch sized garden. And there I sat, toking on a pre-rolled spliff whilst PJ Harvey serenaded me through the fluffy lobes of my Walkman. I’d even brought a packet of Frazzles for sustenance. I felt like Julia Sawalha in an episode of Press Gang (what a show, what a woman!). There was a story to the reclusive eccentrics, I felt certain of it. Search it out. They went there first. The owner was skeptical about renting to a student couple but was satisfied when Jessie showed him her rings and their marriage certificate. When he learned that Jakob was an Ag student, that sealed the deal. The cottage was basic, standing alone in a small grove of fruit trees, but contained everything they needed—a small living room with couch, arm chair and TV; an eat-in kitchen with fairly modern appliances and a basic table with four chairs; two bedrooms—one large and one small, suitable for two desks and computers—and,, of course, a bathroom. Jakob laughed when he entered the master bedroom and saw the twin beds. When the owner looked confused he explained, “We’ve only been married three days.” The owner simply smiled, “I guess you’ll be wanting your own bed. I’ll take these out and store them.” The front of the cottage featured a low roofed porch similar to the one at the Webster farmhouse they lived in now. Best of all, it was about 500 yards.
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