I came in to give R.J. his lunch. Ryan helped me feed him. I went to clean him up when the phone rang. I had R.J. in my hands. Ryan held R.J. while I went to answer the phone. I came back with tears streaming down my face."What's wrong," Ryan asked."That was the coast guard. They said that Joe's plan went down off the coast of Florida. They haven't found any bodies yet, but they don't think there are any survivors.Ryan took R.J. to his crib and came back and walked me over to the couch. He put his arms around me as I buried my face in his chest.A few months later, Joe was officially declared dead. I made arrangements for a funeral just before Thanksgiving. I continued to let Ryan see R.J. I wasn't in any mood to flirt with him, but I felt that he deserved to still get time with his son.Ryan was more supportive than I thought he would he be. He came over to help me out with clearing the leaves out of the yard and other little things around the house. I spent Thanksgiving over my. They hadn't really met but two or three times and thathad been years ago. "I'm afraid most of the best stuff is long gone,but have a look." Sure," Emily said. She glanced back at me and I was shaking my headno, no, no, by which I meant, Do not engage Martin's mom in aconversation.My heart was thumping all the way up into my ears as we went onto theporch, which was really too narrow for the tables and chairs and stuffpiled on them. Martin's mom was right, too. There wasn't a whole lot. But what there was had belonged mostly to Martin.All I could think was how fucked up it was to see this stuff again inthis state, from this side of the gender and biography divide. Thingsthat used to mean one thing now meant another, but I wasn't sure whatthat meaning was. It nagged at me but didn't coalesce into something Icould articulate. The nearest emotion to it was regret, but not forlost lives. It had something in my current life, something undone. Butwhat? Frustrated, I decided it.
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